And we’re back again! Still missin’ that darn turnbuckle, where did it go? Oh, who cares? We just want to see a wrestler kiss that corner of the ring. Let’s go.
However, seeing a female wrestler (especially one like Kaitlyn) get faceplanted into where a turnbuckle should be hurts. So let’s show some love to the dudes of pro wrestling — in particular, two star-studded studs of WWE we most definitely won’t be seeing in the squared circle anytime soon. Introducing Bray Wyatt Vs. Hillbilly Jim!
The Tale of the Tape
Okay, so the Bray Wyatt Vs. Hillbilly Jim match hits close to him for me on a couple of fronts. One, Windham Rotunda AKA Bray Wyatt recently passed away, sadly. Hurts my heart. And Hillbilly Jim has been a longtime favorite of mine since God knows when and has been retired for a millennium.
But seeing these two sparks in me at an age when wrestling was so much about character, and that was okay. Sure, the wrestling skill was there. But we relished in the characters of these wrestlers — like, you know, the Ultimate Warrior, or the Boogeyman — painted mythical figures of the wrestling ring who were larger than life.
You’ll notice, though, that I focused on a theme for this dream Bray Wyatt Vs. Hillbilly Jim match and that’s of the countryside flavor. Think farms, folklore, hayrides, and hogtails! Yet I threw in a twist for this one: all that sounds like good wholesome fun until you meet this guy in the backwoods:
In This Corner (Backwoods), We Have Bray Wyatt!
Once the face of terror, even shocking the infamous Undertaker to a degree, Bray haunted us while we loved him for it. And like I said — this hurts my heart due to his untimely passing. I wanted to give him some love for a career that was meant for the stars in a way that spoke to character development that was groundbreaking, ambitious, and creative.
Because when you put it all down on paper, that’s what professional wrestling actually is: it’s performance art. And there’s a certain art to playing a persona, not just in the ring, but also out of it, very much like characters such as Asuka and Bull Nakano. Windham Rotunda was a king of kings, the eater of worlds, with each one of those worlds in his hands as he mystified crowds and opponents alike via a wrestling style that was both visceral and wicked.
Shockingly, this was a man who wasn’t afraid to bounce off the ropes. He was athletic as they came. And he most certainly wasn’t afraid to tussle with the best of them — like Brock Lesnar, Roman Reigns, John Cena, L.A. Knight, and most amazingly, the Undertaker himself.
Yet would he be able to handle…. This hillbilly?
And on This Corner, We Have Hillbilly Jim!
https://gty.im/484967453
That’s a $100,000,000 smile. A babyface through and through. Not once did I ever see Jim turn heel in his epic time at WWE, and you just loved to love him. And the fans loved him, too. Let’s get one thing straight, though:
Hillbilly Jim’s a monster! The guy’s almost 7 feet tall, for crying out loud. The athleticism behind this towering hulk was on the same level as one other ‘hulk’ of equal babyface quality, and you would have to wonder if someone like Bray Wyatt could even stand up to this much optimism and strength. Almost sickening for the eater of worlds.
Why did you think Wyatt pined to get a match with the Deadman? Duh. They’re both bred from the same darkness….
Still, while this guy would’ve overpowered a smaller dude in a truly titanic Bray Wyatt Vs. Hillbilly Jim match, here’s the thing that bugs me:
It’s Bray Wyatt for the Win!
….Whaaaa? Can’t be.
Hear me out. And, honestly, being that James Morris, AKA our fun-loving Hillbilly Jim, is so nice and down to earth, I’m sure he wouldn’t render me pig food for saying this: but this demon in the shadows of a Suicide Forest might just scare the pants off of this dancing babyface down-on-the-farm hoedown giant.
Remember: this is performance art. Character-wise, I see the dark soul of Bray Wyatt engulfing the massive girth that is Jim (sounds sick, but we’ll go with it) solely on how polarizing such a match would be.
Make no mistake, though: Jim would put Wyatt through a tremendous ringer. But that amount of strength would only go so far as any wrestler would arguably need some ruthless aggression to take down Bray. As big and powerful as Jim is, ruthless aggression just isn’t his thing. Erick Rowan or Luke Harper, he is not.
At best, Jim’s strategy would be to try and bear hug the crap out of Wyatt until he submits, but I somehow see the eater of worlds laughing his way into damnation without tapping or going to sleep. And I think it would just wear Jim out instead. Both physically and emotionally. And you wouldn’t be able to blame him.
Post Wrap-Up of the Bray Wyatt Vs. Hillbilly Jim Match
So there you have it: the victor goes the spoils. Maybe some molasses and chicken feed. No doubt Wyatt would be limping everywhere, though, getting hogtied in so many ways. But a fun-loving farmhand from Mud Lick, Kentucky (look it up, there is a real town called “Mud Lick” in Kentucky!) who most likely would never see horrors like The Hills Have Eyes probably would call it quits after Sister Abigail plants that demonic kiss on his forehead.
What do you guys think? Let me know in the comments below. Don’t be afraid. We, after all, have the whole world in our hands.
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